Gaslighting And Beyond
An exhaustive guide for ascertaining the dizzying depths of manipulation
- Guest article by Ganesha Gold Buffalo -
Disclaimer:
TW: Gaslighting, Manipulation, Abuse, Suicide, Domestic Violence, Gender Based Violence, Psychological Terminology
The writing herein is not meant to serve as medical or legal advice in any capacity, nor does it mean to advise anyone on how to seek medical or psychological services for themselves, nor treat or diagnose any illness. This has been written purely for moral support for marginalized communities and to aid the reader in navigating complex social issues for themselves. There are many words and terms listed here that you may be unfamiliar with. I recommend doing your own research on these topics in addition to reading this piece. Thank you.
Photo credit: Ganesha Gold Buffalo
Image description: A mirrored image. In the center of the picture are dark eyes and eyebrows which are mirrored directly below, giving a double vision effect. Above the eyes are hands holding up a jeweled mirror that reflects the light and creates a glow. On the left hand is a black netted fashion glove and on the right wrist is a thick gold spiked decorative wrist guard. The hands and jeweled mirror are also mirrored below at the bottom of the picture.
In my last piece, Wobbly Pedestals and Imbalanced Scales, I uncovered what can happen when harm done is overlooked and the natural process of healing is interrupted to the sole benefit of certain systems of oppression. In this piece, we’ll be doing a deep dive into the heart of manipulation by staging focus on one of the most nefarious tools of the colonial white supremacist cisheteropatriarchy — Gaslighting. Though this term has gained some traction in the past few years in popular culture and contemporary sociopolitical spaces, much is still not understood by the general public about its origins, nor its multifaceted impacts on marginalized peoples. With most being unable to define the term for themselves at any given moment.
This guide seeks to make that knowledge more accessible by breaking down the varying forms of gaslighting by demystifying the common ways in which it can and does show up in our daily lives. It’s also important to note that some forms of gaslighting directly and indirectly intersect. You will see this listed below.
The term Gaslight first showed up in 1944 in a film of the same name —
The premise of which involved a man driving his wife to insanity by manipulating her to the point of seriously questioning every detail of her lived reality, for reasons of greed. From here, various psychological institutions adopted the term to define situations of extreme psychological manipulation and abuse, sometimes resulting in psychotic break or suicide. Today, we generally use and understand it on a much broader scope to mean anytime someone suggests, convinces, or forces another to question their reality or lived experience. Because this is ingrained into various levels of systemic oppression, it can be done both unconsciously or by malicious intent. Regardless of intention, however, the impact remains harmful to the psychological and emotional well being of the gaslit. This is yet another example of why it is so imperative that we are all actively involved in the betterment and protection of our mental health. Particularly as marginalized peoples, we require safeguards and an enhanced awareness of social risk factors just to navigate the world outside our door.
Unintentional Gaslighting is where we’re starting, because the truth is that we’ve all been guilty of gaslighting someone at some point, whether we’re aware of it or not. By pointing attention to where we’re at fault first, and correcting how we treat others, we can better understand how we’ve been affected and would like to be treated ourselves. This type of self-accountability within the measure of culpability ultimately helps us to create better boundaries going forward. Gaslighting can look like anything from labeling someone as inherently wrong because they have a perception or opinion that differs from your own, to calling someone abusive or an abuser because you’re afraid of that person holding you accountable for something you’ve done to them. The social, emotional, and psychological implications can be as intimate as between two partners or have the potential to affect large groups of people, social circles, and communities. It can be as simple as a lie told to oneself to cope, or as complex as building a campaign to feed disinformation or propaganda to the masses. It can even look like someone being backed into a corner with limited options and choosing to exert control over others to escape harm themselves. The core variables will be who is gaslighting, what the gaslighter’s end goal is, and how much awareness and/or care the gaslighter has around what they’re doing to others. It’s important to maintain this understanding of these variables to most adequately discern right from wrong as the lines become blurred.
Casual or Nuanced Gaslighting are terms I use for a type of gaslighting that falls under the radar in your usual exchanges. It can look like anything from “Oh but you don’t believe that, do you?” to “I thought we were friends.” The power of suggestion is a driving force in all forms of gaslighting, but it is most prevalent in this simple conversational approach. The best way to approach this is by listening intently, forming absolute responses in your mind before replying. And most importantly, listening to your intuition in each moment and sticking firmly to your own established sense of self. If it feels overwhelmingly like someone’s trying to take advantage of you, they most likely are. Resist without hesitation or regret. There’s no shame whatsoever in naming gaslighting for what it is in the moment.
Virtue Signaling is likely a term you’ve already encountered, and you may be surprised to see it here. Indeed, it can be a form of gaslighting. Virtue Signaling is typically defined as the exaggerated effort to position oneself as virtuous or of high morale character. This is a tactic often utilized by the gaslighter to set the groundwork for a relationship of control by dichotomy of right and wrong, in which they are always right and the gaslit is always wrong. Combat this by maintaining your own set of standards for yourself and all your connections at all times and communicating the parameters of those standards before and after any connection is initiated. This will ensure that you have a basis for accountability throughout the relationship. This is more for the safety and sanity of the gaslit than the gaslighter, as the latter may never choose to be accountable to anyone but themselves.
Parent/Child or Patronizing Gaslighting are terms I use for the dichotomization and/or bifurcation of care roles and relationships to assert a dynamic of control or hierarchy instead. The recent news we’ve seen in pop culture around toxic conservatorships is a prime example of this type of abuse. The gaslit is told that they have taken their own growth, development, and general survival for granted and that this has, in fact, created lifelong burdens and debts, both emotional, interpersonal, and financial, for the gaslighter who has supported and cared for them. The gaslit is then told that they must pay for these burdens and debts by giving up their own autonomy to the gaslighter. It’s a thorough recipe for control steeped in cycles of harm to create helplessness in an individual who is then taken advantage of in their most vulnerable state. This is steeped in age-old racist, ableist, and ageist notions of if someone is in need of consistent caregiving, protection, or guardianship; then they should be required to pay the ultimate price of their autonomy. A couple of other examples of this are when parents tell their children that they have no right to personal boundaries with their bodies because the child’s life wouldn’t have been possible without them, or when someone is told they never would have made it without their savior/supporter. This type of gaslighting dynamic can and does also manifest in relationships between grown and unrelated peoples. It’s best to practice, maintain, and assert boundary setting and cord-cutting practices in relationships affected by this specific type of manipulation. Keep your distance and don’t falter.
Apologetic Gaslighting is one of the more insidious methods of gaslighting. This is because the gaslighter utilizes measures that are supposed to heal or make amends for the abuse they themselves have inflicted – such as accountability and mediative practices – to increase their influence and control over an individual’s life. They do this by taking advantage of the cracks they themselves created in the other person’s psyche to inflict even more harm. This can appear as “I’m sorry, but you know we both made mistakes here”, and “I wanted to apologize to you, but I didn’t think you’d believe me anyway.” One of the best ways to protect oneself from this is by reclaiming the power of forgiveness. Forgiveness is something only the forgiver benefits from, and it’s also important to understand that not everyone is deserving of forgiveness. Don’t depend on anyone’s apology or guilt to feed your process of healing.
Narcissistic Gaslighting is not to be confused with NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder). Here I only borrow from the psychological term to be specific about yet another form of gaslighting. Narcissistic Gaslighting is a term I use to define the flipside of the Parent/Child Gaslighting dynamic described earlier, but can also be used in tandem with it, and even share definitions. This type of abuse can look like the gaslighter utilizing the reality of being cared for to twist the narrative and inspire feelings of deep guilt, inadequacy, and subservience in the gaslit instead, leaving no room whatsoever for the gaslit’s needs or wants. This is also sometimes coupled with weaponizing money and belongings, abandonment, depression and other mental illnesses, and even suicidal ideation or threats. Nothing’s off limits, and it's important to recognize this to understand how to best handle your specific situation on a case by case basis. Power and control are the names of the game here. Any arguments will be turned on their heads, and will be rife with Sealioning (which I also recommend looking into if you aren’t familiar) and other provocations. Don’t assume that feeding the gaslighter’s self importance will always bode well for you. Depending on the individual, and the situation, things could end explosively in that way. Selectively and carefully seek help if you feel your situation spiraling out of control, and get out or otherwise remove yourself from the situation as soon as possible.
Co-optative or Parrot Gaslighting is my descriptor for a very specific form of gaslighting in which the gaslit’s self advocacy and knowledge or educational bases are directly co-opted or appropriated and used against them in increasingly harmful and plotting ways. This can result in the gaslit distrusting themselves, their own views, and even their own communities over time, no matter how deeply ingrained their values are in their character. This tactic is known to cause an eroding of self worth and belief systems over time. The gaslighter will often insert their own beliefs and even language at this point to ensure control and an echoing of the grip of their influence throughout spaces and relations, while simultaneously sewing seeds of doubt about the gaslit. These individuals tend to prefer being surrounded by “yes” people only and often show resistance to any suggestions of more equitable approaches. A way around this is to regularly remind the people in your community of the things you’ve said and done. Also try to find allies who won’t mind advocating on your behalf in this way because isolating you as a lone voice is part of the tactic of the gaslighter. Regularly remind yourself of why you hold the beliefs and values that you do, and what the words in your vocabulary mean to you. Keeping your words and actions as direct, intentional, and clear as possible will prevent others from questioning you as much. It will also result in them understanding and believing in you more, which in turn will make what you say more retainable. Honor your work and living legacy.
Triangulation is predefined for us as a form of manipulation and harassment. How it works is that an individual targets another, utilizing indirect communication such as bullying, gossip, rumors, and lies to separate their target from friends and support. They do this with the overarching intent of divide and conquer. It is one of the most common forms of manipulation because it's central to all forms of abuse (domestic and gender based violence), including and especially gaslighting. This is because to assert power and control over someone absolutely, an abuser must convince the abused that they are alone, untrustworthy, and without any support structures. To do that effectively, the abused person’s existing support structures must be weakened with some level of doubt or distrust that can be harnessed to isolate the abused. Isolation ensures that the abuser’s influence becomes the only thing that matters or is the primary focus of the abused. To combat this, address the issue directly with the person triangulating, and see if it can be solved through direct communication. Asking “why” questions may not be effective, and could even lead to more harm because the person triangulating might not have clarity behind their motivation nor the impact of their actions at all. If you’re able to confront them and they show little to no regret, remorse, or acknowledgement of harm done or simply don’t want to talk at all; it can be a warning sign of maliciousness. In this case, surround yourself with your most trusted supportive figures and ask if they would be willing and able to offer pushback to the triangulation and harassment. This can be in the form of a public call out, or an intimate call in depending on the situation and individual’s needs and capacities. It can also be helpful to find and befriend others who might have had similar issues with the same individual or group for relation. Lean into all of the allyship and advocacy available around you. You are never alone.
Time Travel Gaslighting is a curious term that might have grabbed your attention. I coined this term to help define instances of gaslighting wherein the gaslighter specifically alters the timeline of their abusive actions against the gaslit. They do this to avoid accountability of any kind and to cultivate doubt in the gaslit’s mind around their own recollection of the events in question. In this way, they can reduce any suspicion around them by anyone seeking to advocate for the gaslit, as well as effectively obscure the harm in an effort to erase the event entirely. Some examples are “I don’t recall that happening, when was that?” and “Are you sure? Because I was too busy or otherwise engaged with ______ to have done anything like that at that time.” In some occasions, the gaslighter may even go as far as to invent personal struggles or major life events to weaponize the gaslit’s empathy against them, or to lower confidence in their own memory significantly. This could eventually lead to substantial psychological and emotional unwellness in the gaslit. For some readers, this concept may seem familiar or similar to the “false memory” controversy that first arose in 1980 across the mental health industrial complex. This controversy started when reports from victims of extensive or prolonged abuse began to crop up with the movement for victim advocacy across the mental health and police industrial complexes that began peaking around the same time. Many conservative, far right, and other groups and organizations began refuting, lobbying against, and dismissing these claims as being the direct result of influences from the workers and professionals in those industries that they referred to as “false memory implementation”, rather than the actual accounts experienced by the victims themselves. Time was a major tool used to bolster these claims in court and other official institutions of law, because it can typically take a victim or survivor of extensive or prolonged abuse an extended amount of time to heal enough from the events that resulted in their trauma to be able to self advocate for justice, or even complete their memories. The legal statute of limitations only added to the problem for many victims and survivors. Time is an important factor for gaslighters, because the longer the gaslit remains silent on an issue, the more the gaslighter and others can be convinced that the issue or event never happened. It also gives the gaslighter more time to form stories and timelines that suit their narrative of perceived innocence. Incomplete, delayed, and partially inaccurate memories and accounts of trauma are not false memories. You should always be believed for what you have experienced, regardless of any calls for said experiences to be corroborated. Remain steadfast in your memories, and whatever else may be uncovered through your healing process. Healing is a lifelong path and commitment to oneself and should be regarded as such.
Architectural or Mob Gaslighting is what I use to refer to a type of malicious manipulation that can involve large groups of people and networks. Think triangulation but on a massive scale. The gaslighter is a master manipulator who knows exactly how to use systemic discriminatory factors associated with marginalized identities to incite communal and public vitriol, libel, defamation, and harassment against an individual or group of people. This can effectively harm them by destroying them as people, as well as affecting their careers, limiting their access to resources, and destroying their reputation entirely. This is often done with the end goal of the victim committing suicide, being disappeared, or moving away from the affected community forever. The perpetrator(s) will gather together all mutual connections they have with the victim and use those connections to weave their way into their victim’s life over an extended period of time. They do this to gather as much information and vulnerabilities about their target as possible without implicating or drawing suspicion to themselves. They then use that information to sow doubt and lies about the victim throughout those connections and communities. In doing so, they convince those connections that they will benefit from that person’s downfall, and begin plotting with those connections to organize a sizable campaign against the targeted person. This is done entirely through indirect communication and passive aggression, and will likely snowball out of control before the victim even has knowledge that it is happening. Instead of quelling personal issues between themselves and the gaslit, they’ll string them along, all the while framing the situation as abuse to themselves to their circles, completely unbeknownst to the actual victim. The goal of the perpetrator(s) is to keep the victim as oblivious as possible to work around them to ensure the impact is as unexpected and traumatic as possible. These perpetrators will stop at nothing, and will utilize any means to harm you and your resources irreparably. Choose your inner circle very selectively, utilize legal resources around libel and public defamation, and have backup plans for your overall safety and security ready to shield yourself or others against this. Developing a deep personal well of knowledge and action within security culture is essential to protecting oneself from this specific type of attack. This type of gaslighting attack has seen a spike in marginalized communities with the rise of information technology and data mining in recent years.
Reverse Gaslighting, much like reverse racism and reverse ableism, is when the gaslighter flips blame and accountability onto the gaslit for a harmful action the gaslighter has committed. This manipulates the gaslit into thinking that they are the sole perpetrator of the harm and are thus the real gaslighter. This dynamic can manifest itself in words such as “I’ve never even heard of that. How do I know you're not the one gaslighting me?” and “Well you’ve done some of these things to me before as well, so why should I be held accountable to you now?” Combat this by keeping an accountability journal of the times, dates, frequency, and emotional impact of each time you were gaslit or harmed in any way by this person. A detailed list of harm such as this will help make your account irrefutable and the gaslighter will have limited options other than stopping the behavior or leaving you alone entirely.
Self Gaslighting is an unfortunately common result of being targeted for routine gaslighting by others. The more marginalized a person’s identity is, the more targeted they will be for forms of systemic oppression, of which gaslighting is a main contributing factor in almost all circumstances. The gaslit will begin internalizing the abusive treatment of the gaslighters they’ve come into contact with, and form thought patterns in their mind identical to the pattern of treatment they received wherein they are actively invalidating and silencing themselves (similar to and connected with internalized oppression which I recommend you look up if you’re not familiar with the term). This is a particularly pervasive form of gaslighting in that it usually isn’t immediately visible on the outside of a person and their actions. It can mirror and coincide with other psychological factors related to trauma such as depression, low self esteem and self worth, and imposter syndrome. This can appear as the individual losing sight of their purpose, believing that no one is on their side and that they are friendless, having immensely low capacity for trust in all of their relationships, remaining silent on issues wherein their voice would be of value, and heavily isolating to evade any further harm. It’s good to acknowledge that these are also common traits of people who have been routinely exposed to toxic relationships (platonic and otherwise), and are experiencing compounded trauma. If you are experiencing this, it can be helpful to reassess your approach to your personal healing processes and possibly consider pursuing specialized therapeutic counseling.
To close — Guarding your autonomy and understanding of yourself is essential to maintaining protective boundaries that will neutralize gaslighters and abusers alike before they can do you harm. Remember that being victimized doesn’t mean you’ve lost, or that you’re weak in any way. It’s an opportunity to understand the function of these types of manipulation and abuse, as well as the perpetrators who use these tactics. By understanding, you can better shield yourself and others from the same harm in the future. You can only utilize all of the knowledge presented here if it's approached and absorbed through a self aware intent to heal. Toxic behaviors such as those listed here can affect all relationships and individuals regardless of marginalization or role, and exist to distract you from healing. However, if someone truly cares about you and loves you; they will always make the effort to self correct and learn to better themselves for you. They will naturally want to hurt you less and assist in your healing process however they can. If someone is actively refusing to be accountable to you and their own actions, and is untrue to their commitments to you, then please consider removing them from your life. Stick to your personal and ethical boundaries and standards at all times for yourself. Your mind and body will surely thank you for it.
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